When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, or enduring cancer treatment, it’s perfectly understandable to immediately want to jump in and do whatever you can to help, support, nurture and comfort. To try anything and everything you can think of to ease the pain and fear. Similarly, when you’re an independent, capable and strong person, asking for and accepting help may be one of the hardest things you have to do at a time when your life is being blitzed in a blender and the sand is shifting endlessly beneath your feet. I was sometimes accused of “being stubborn” or “being a martyr” at various times during my cancer treatment. Those ‘misperceptions’ were extremely hurtful, unhelpful and entirely untrue. When I declined certain offers of ‘help’, I was simply being the captain of my ship. I knew exactly who and what I needed to help me navigate towards a safe harbour. And I definitely knew who and what I didn’t need along for the voyage. I also knew that the people who were closest to me were doing more than their very best to be kind, comforting and considerate. And I loved them all the more for it. Others simply didn’t know what to say or do and avoided- or completely cut off- any form of contact. I have never wasted my precious time or energy in trying to find out why. I also encountered people whose words and actions were utterly thoughtless, careless and cruel. Thankfully those occasions were rare. Adjusting to and accepting life with cancer takes time, patience and perseverance. Learning to support someone living with cancer also takes time- and some form of education and awareness. Every individual’s journey, personal needs, family situation, treatment plan and outcomes will be different. If you are part of someone’s cancer journey, remember to tread gently. Think before you speak. Support, don’t smother. Be considerate. Be genuine. And above all, be kind, be kind and be kind. That’s all that’s really needed.
A few words on support, encouragement and comfort
You may find the following information useful if you would like to support someone who is newly diagnosed with cancer or enduring treatment.
The art of listening: If someone with cancer is sharing their fears, emotions or worries with you, simply listen. Don’t offer unsubstantiated medical advice, make comparisons with your own medical conditions or ailments, or share other people’s cancer stories. Especially those that end in death! This approach is not helpful or comforting. Being a compassionate and empathetic (not sympathetic!) listener is one of the greatest forms of care you can offer. Ask the person what they need and acknowledge you understand that this may change as their cancer journey evolves. Thank the person for trusting you. Provide reassurance that all conversations you have together will be kept private and confidential. And make sure they are!
Watch your words: When people would try to be supportive by telling me to “Be positive!” or “Keep fighting!”, my eyes would just glaze over and I’d switch off instantly. Other friends who have had, or are still dealing with, cancer, share the same irritation about continually being confronted with these words time and time again. Even if they are being delivered with the best of intentions. Believe me, when you have cancer you are already doing all these things and more! Cancer is definitely not a chapter in a Pollyanna book. It’s far better to provide encouragement by saying something like, “I really admire your attitude and your courage.”, or, “I think your strength is amazing!” Similarly, if someone is trying to express their fears or anxieties about treatment or their future, please don’t shush or scold them with, “Don’t say that!” or “You mustn’t think like that!”. Phrases like this are dismissive, hurtful and unhelpful. The words you choose to offer encouragement, comfort and support have the power to heal, hurt and uplift. Use them wisely.
Be genuine and realistic: It’s perfectly normal to desperately want the someone you love to beat their cancer and be well again. Trying to be reassuring by saying things like, “You’re going to be OK!”, “Everything will be alright!” or “There’s no way you’re going to die!” is always more about your fears than anything else. These phrases can actually create more fear and, at times, come across as condescending and insincere. Instead, try this approach: “I can’t imagine how you must feel right now, but I’m here to support you in any way I can.” Or, “If you’d like me to be, I will be here to support you every step of the way, whatever happens.” And then make sure you are!
Leave ‘God’ out of it: Saying things like, “You know, they say God only gives cancer to the strong ones.” ,or, “This must all be part of God’s plan for you” or “I’m praying for you.”, will most likely only add to the person’s nausea levels. All of the above comments, are not comforting or helpful unless the person shares the same faith or religious beliefs. Respect that others might not share your views and that in the middle of cancer treatment, ‘God’s plan’ might seem more than just a teeny, tiny bit crappy.
Food support: If you’re offering to cook meals for a cancer patient, check with them first about what they feel like eating. Dishes like your family’s favourite Friday night hot and spicy curry are probably not going to be well received- or eaten- if the person is suffering from common chemotherapy side effects such as nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and mouth sores. The person you are offering to help may also have special dietary requirements as recommended by their oncology team. Sometimes a delivery of fresh fruit and veg, pantry basics or fridge staples (like milk and butter) are just as helpful. When it comes to helping out with food, the best practice is to check first what’s needed.
Acknowledging the fog: Experiencing ‘Chemo Fog’ or ‘Chemo Brain’ is something I was told about at the start of my treatment. When it hits, it’s scary and completely debilitating. Sometimes, I barely knew what day it was. Being asked to make decisions - especially snap decisions- is near impossible. When kind friends would call and say, “I’m at the supermarket. Do you need anything?”, I could sometimes only respond with an “I can’t think of anything right now.” They understood. I wasn’t being uncooperative, rude, or ungrateful. Just unwell and lost in the fog at that particular moment. So please don’t be offended if your kind offer of, “How can I help?” is met with an “I don’t know.” ,or, “I’m just not sure.”. The fog will pass eventually. In the meantime, you may like to text, email, phone or leave your number with a note letting the person know they can call anytime if they need anything.
Make an appointment: Rocking up to someone’s door uninvited, even with the very best of intentions (eg: “I’ve come to cheer you up!”) can place a seriously ill person under unnecessary pressure when they’re really not up to receiving visitors. My Mum was forever turning people away when I was having weekly chemotherapy. I was struggling, suffering terribly with side effects, had very limited energy and the last thing I felt like doing was having to make polite conversation. Close friends understood, acquaintances not so much. If you’re trying to be kind, uplifting and want to visit, it’s a good idea to check first via text or a phone call to see when would be a good time.
Respect for personal space and boundaries: I once had a lady approach me in the supermarket who told me how shocked she was when she heard I had cancer and said she wanted to give me a hug. When I stepped back and declined the hug (me being immune compromised by chemo plus barely knowing this person! ) she got so offended, told me she didn’t have Covid and stormed off in a huff! Bye-bye to you too and have a lovely day! Similarly, if someone has lost their hair to chemotherapy, don’t try and touch their bald head or pat their regrowth! Seriously! This has actually happened to me on more than one occasion! The number one rule: Don’t touch or hug unless invited!
Think about the bigger picture: Sometimes it’s not just the cancer patient themselves who is in need of care and support. It could be their family members, partner, spouse or children. Think about offering to take elderly parents to medical appointments or children to school and weekend sports, pets to the vet, the car for its service. Practical support that keeps life running as smoothly as possibly while cancer treatment in underway is always much needed and greatly appreciated .
Leave your own expectations at the door: When cancer arrives and sets up shop, life is not ‘business as usual’. In any way. Please don’t be offended or retort with an “I was only trying to be nice!” if the person you are wanting to support declines offers to attend social engagements, parties, or outings. It’s also unhelpful to say things like, “It’ll be good for you if you get out and socialise!”. Socialising may not be something the person needs, wants or is capable of at that particular time. Understand that declining social invitations is not about ‘giving up’. It is a choice made by someone who is “doing” cancer the way that feels right for them.
These are just a few suggestions that may be helpful, or start you thinking about how you can best support someone on their cancer journey. If you are already one of the wonderful, compassionate, kind and caring people lending a hand to someone dealing with diagnosis or living with this disease, I say thank-you! This world needs more people like you! And if you are living with cancer, I wish you much love and hope you are accompanied on your journey by people who can uplift, encourage and walk with you every step of the way.
**Please note that this article has been compiled based on my personal experiences and from conversations with fellow cancer patients. In no way is it being presented as medical or professional advice.